Saturday, June 15, 2013

What to do...

I am in such a hard place right now, I don't know what to do. It's about my dog Doc, the furry four legged friend who I use to love so much. Yes, that was past tense and it breaks my heart to admit it. I still love him, just not like I use to. Not like he deserves. I got him as a Christmas gift from James in 2009 during a time when I was really wanting babies but we weren't ready as a couple yet. So for 3 years all that love that I wanted to put towards children was placed on him. He was spoiled rotten, we loved him so much. And I was his person, still am. Which is why this is so hard. I have children now and I will admit it, I have changed. I am stressed out with everything I have to do, Doc has become that extra thing I have to deal with. I can't stand the barking, I use to be able to handle it so much better. I'm constantly tripping over him cause he follows me everywhere, which annoys the heck out of me and I end up yelling at him. When I finally have some alone time and want to relax he climbs all over me and all I want is space so I shoo him away. He doesn't deserve any of this, and even though I know that and know he deserves more, I still can't change the fact that I have changed and just don't love him the same. One of the biggest struggles are fleas. They are rampant here and just gross me out so much. They stress me out hardcore, Doc never had them before Missouri (just another reason I hate this place) so that's just another thing for me to deal with. And it's all on me. I do the flea baths, give the flea treatments, spray the rooms with flea spray. James could care less about the fleas, which is another frustration and stress on my end. I just can't handle it anymore!!!!!!!! So my dilemma at hand is what to do with Doc. He just deserves better. I've been debating for a while now about finding him a new home, and deep down I feel like it's the right thing to do, but at the same time I feel this profound sense of guilt. How could I ever do that?! I had a conversation once with a friend who talked about her friend giving her dog up after having kids and I thought that was just horrible! I swore I would never do that. I would never be that person. And here I am. And then I wonder, once he was gone would I really feel any better? Would I just beat myself up everyday about giving him away? Kicking him to the curb. Rejecting him. Ugh. Just so dang hard.

If there's anyone who has struggled with this as well and has any advice to give, I would really appreciate it. I need all the help I can get right now.

Monday, June 10, 2013

Need a laugh...or two?

That's right, he said Mama first!!

He only did this for about 4 or 5 days, but man did it make us laugh!!


Thursday, June 6, 2013

Where are all the bloggers?

My blog list has become pretty bleak. I only have a handful of blogs that I follow that update anymore, where did everyone go? Oh I know, the same place I am. Busy with life! I use to love to update my blog, it was therapeutic and fun to share what was going on in my life. Then, babies came into my world. Twin boys. And boy do they keep me busy! Facebook is a lot easier to update, I can just send a quick picture to the website from my phone, since that's where I take most if not all my pictures these days. It's just whats easiest. And I am ALL about what is easiest. Life is just too crazy.

Well here's a quick update: the boys are 9 months old now. HOLY COW! So close to a year, and I'm so not ready. They talk so much now, making new sounds and discovering their voice. They love food, and are really good eaters which makes me SO happy. Boston has 4 teeth, two on bottom and two on top. Eddie is still toothless:) In the past month they started sitting really good, FINALLY! I keep reminding myself they were premature so they're gonna be behind on most of their development stages. I don't imagine they'll crawl for another month or two. But I wouldn't be surprised if they start walking before crawling, I have walkers for them that they just go go go in! They love it! I have a bike finally and found a bike trailer for the boys on Craigslist so we have been taking a lot of bike rides which they also love. We live right next to Kansas, it's literally in our backyard so we take bike rides to Kansas...

Don't they make the best faces?! I just love them so much!

Well that's it for now. Maybe I'll update again in the next 4 months. Hopefully sooner. We'll see:)

Thursday, January 31, 2013


If you look up 'handsome' in the dictionary, I'm pretty sure you'll find this....

These guys melt my heart every day. I am so lucky to have them.

Friday, January 25, 2013

I'm a Baby Wise Mom and PROUD of it

I've been wanting to share this for a while now but didn't quite know the right way to approach it and have been very hesitant to since there is so much negative feelings towards it. But I realized if the truth was shared by someone who has personal experience with it then maybe, just maybe people might change their minds. What is this "it" I speak of? Baby Wise, or the book that is On Becoming Baby Wise: Giving Your Infant the Gift of Nighttime Sleep. It has become an invaluable book that I don't know what I would have done without. A dear old friend of mine was the one who shared it with me knowing I was having twins and had had twins herself, she knew I needed it since it had helped her so much. Luckily I hadn't heard anything about it so I had no preconceived negative feelings about it. She did warn me not to judge the book and to read the whole thing. Well reading the intro and first chapter of it online it felt completely right, it had already stated principles my husband and I had already wanted to do, like not letting our babies fall asleep to nursing or rocking, knowing they would become dependent on that to fall asleep. And its a very Christian based book, the author emphasizes the importance of family and having a nurturing mother and father and how a healthy marriage creates healthy children. Why wouldn't I want to read this book?! So I ordered it having complete faith in it. I then joined a group for Baby Wise Mom's on Facebook thinking it would be a great resource for help, which it most definitely has been. Upon joining I received a message from a friend who saw I joined warning me about it and all the negativity surrounding it. I was very grateful for her concern and to take the time to mention it to me, but I assured her I wouldn't do anything harmful to my babies and if there was anything I didn't feel good about I wouldn't do it. Well I read the book pretty quickly, and upon finishing it I was SO excited to implement the principles! Want to know the basic principles? It teaches a feeding schedule of feed/wake/sleep, instead of the most popular feed/sleep/wake. It helps the child from being dependent on nursing to fall asleep. The book teaches cry it out, which I'm assuming where it gets most of the negativity from, but I don't know why cause there's nothing harmful or dangerous about what it teaches. All it says is to help the baby self soothe. You don't lock your child in a room and let it cry for hours. How horrible is that! I can't believe that's actually what people think. It simply teaches to do it in time intervals, first for a couple minutes, then check, then a little longer, check, and so on. Eventually the baby learns to fall back asleep on its own. I know people who don't use Baby Wise and use this principle and their children are perfectly fine. Next, it teaches to help the baby to distinguish day from night, to have wake time during the day after feeding for a certain amount of time (right now its an 1 1/2 hr for my boys, that's including feeding) so it get's it sleep at night. You learn your baby's cries so you know when they are tired and when they are hungry. You don't starve your child. It doesn't once say don't feed your baby if it cries. In fact it says several times through out the book in the beginning when you're learning your babies cry to first feed if it cries unless you know for certain it's not hunger, i.e. you had just fed them 30 min ago. But once you know your baby's cries there's no need to guess. So, my personal experience. It has worked GREAT for me. It was a little hard in the beginning getting into a rhythm and figuring things out. Especially since I was battling postpartum depression really badly. It was horrible. I'm so glad I was able to recognize it and get some much needed medicine. It thankfully worked, and as soon as it did everything clicked, my mind cleared and everything made sense. Especially with the help of my dear old friend and a new one I made on the Baby Wise Facebook group, they were life savers for me. They gradually started waking up less in the night to feed, then later and later until around 16 weeks (11 adjusted since they were early) they slept from 7-7! 12 hours! I couldn't have been more psyched. All the hard work had paid off. I even turned my skeptical husband into a believer. He sings my praises now and brags to everyone that they sleep through the night because of my hard work. Makes me pretty happy:) The thing is, it's not for every baby or mother. Everyone is different and have their own personal parenting preferences. And some babies it just doesn't work. They're hard wired differently and for some reason or another, no matter how hard you try, they just won't sleep through the night, through no fault of the mother or father. And I've gotten to know several Baby Wise Mom's who don't implement cry it out just cause they don't want to. I think the most important thing to point out from all of this is that my babies are HEALTHY. There is absolutely nothing wrong with them. They are developing perfect for their age and are gaining weight like they should be. Their pediatrician is actually impressed with how well they are doing for being preemies. I would NEVER do anything that would harm my children, so know that the Baby Wise principles taught are completely safe and harmless. Also, they are HAPPY babies. Everyone who meets them are surprised at how good they are, they can be content on their own and only fuss when they are tired or hungry. My father in law even made a joke one time, "what drugs are you giving them?" in reference to them being so good. I credit it to Baby Wise. A baby who sleeps well is a happy baby. I truly believe that.

Well I hope that this might have eased your minds about Baby Wise if they ever were uneasy at all. Like the saying goes, never judge a book by its cover. You have to read it first, which apparently people don't do in this case. Don't listen to everything you hear. Go to the source, someone who has personal experience. I truly do love this book and would recommend it to anyone who wants help with their baby sleeping at night!

Thanks for reading!

Friday, November 2, 2012

The Boys Are Here

Well its been a while since my last post. How come? Just 9 days after my last post I went into labor and delivered my precious twin boys. Since then life has been a little crazy. Adjusting to life with twins is DEFINITELY a challenge and exhausting. But on the flip side, the greatest blessing I have received and have experienced more love than I could ever imagine. So, I'll start from the beginning.

*If your just wanting to see pictures, go here! I take way too many pictures to post them on here so I created a share site to post them.

That Saturday evening I was having my normal braxton hicks contractions and didn't think anything of it. Through the night they started getting a little more intense but still wasn't really thinking anything of it. It was Sunday morning, August 19th, that they became more intense and closer together. I was in denial thinking it was just false labor. James though knew otherwise and demanded we go to the hospital. So we both took a shower, grabbed all our stuff I had already packed for the hospital and were on our way. Luckily we have awesome friends that came and picked up Doc later that day cause sure enough we didn't come back. We went into the ER and as we were walking in someone grabbed a wheelchair and put me right in it! Speedy service. They wheeled me down to the birthing center and got me a room. They quickly got me all hooked up and did all their testing including to see how dilated I was. I was a 3. The nurse said she was pretty sure we were going to deliver but wanted the doctor to come check me first. LUCKILY my doctor was on call that day (I was SO nervous he wouldn't be available since it was a Sunday) and came right down to my room, did an ultrasound and confirmed we would be doing surgery since they were both breach. Within about 30 minutes after signing a bunch of papers they wheeled me down to the surgical room and were prepping me for surgery. Everything happened so fast! I didn't have any time to process it all. As they wheeled me in I started getting really scared. My life was about to change forever and was going to have major surgery. Well they give me the spinal block which wasn't bad at all thank goodness. What happened next scared me to death, my blood pressure dropped a TON, I seriously thought I was going to meet my maker. I was incredibly light headed, felt like all the blood had been drained from my body and felt like I was going to pass out. They gave me some medicine and immediately began to feel a lot better. I felt a calm come over me and completely felt at peace. James came in and sat by my side and I had to ask him to hold my hand. He didn't know what to do, Im pretty sure he was nervous but would never admit it. The surgery began and within minutes my boys were born! Eddie at 12:41 and Boston at 12:42. Such an amazing feeling when you hear those precious cries for the first time and then finally see them. The doctor holds them up over the curtain but only for a second so I barely remember that. After cleaning them up they brought them over to me to look at them, I of course snuck in a kiss for each of them. It was incredibly hard not being able to hold them immediately. After 8 months of carrying them thats all I wanted to do was snuggle them and love on them. But since I was 34 weeks and 4 days they automatically have to go into the NICU. If I had gone just 3 days more they wouldn't have had to. After surgery I had to go into a recovery room for 45 LONG minutes knowing as soon as I was done I could go see my babies in the NICU. They rolled me into the NICU and got to see them for just a couple minutes. Its all kind of a blur with all the drugs I was on. Once I got into my room (which was 116 and 16 has always been my lucky number so it was meant to be!) I rested or tried to at least since I was super anxious to be with my boys again. It wasn't until 9 pm that evening that I finally got to hold them. At midnight they got a bath so I waddled on down for that as well. Im grateful I was able to walk so soon after surgery, I know thats why I was able to recover so quickly. It helps that my doctor is an awesome surgeon as well. So I visited them pretty much every chance I could. I made sure they knew that I wanted to nurse them as soon as possible and do skin to skin. I was able to do skin to skin the next day, but couldn't nurse them for a couple days. It was so hard. They both had to have tubes to get the amniotic fluid out of their stomachs that they swallowed, but only had them for about 24 hours. They made it into cribs after 2 days. They both did really well for how early they were. I was discharged on Wednesday and it was the hardest day I think I've ever had, leaving the hospital without my babies. I cried pretty much the whole day. To make it even worse when we left the NICU to say goodbye to them, as we were walking back to the room to get our stuff there was a family leaving the hospital with their new twins. James looked at me knowing it would upset me and sure enough I broke down. I tried to get as much rest as I could when we got home but all I wanted to do was clean and make the place perfect for when they came home. I SO regret not taking advantage of those 3 days I had to sleep more, but oh well. So Eddie did better than Boston as far as not having any problems to keep him from coming home. They had to be able to eat a certain amount before leaving so by Friday there was talk of him going home so we had to get them circumcised. I had completely forgotten to find them a pediatrician so I was scrambling all day to find them one and get their circumcision scheduled. Luckily I found one and they were scheduled for that evening. WELL, I kept calling James to tell him to be there for it but he wasn't answering. It was getting late and I was panicking! A) I was worried something had happened to James and B) I didn't wanna have to endure their circumcision by myself! Well sure enough his phone had broke and had barely made it in time. Turns out they don't have parents witness it, I wasn't planning on being in the room but thought James would. Anywho, it was a stressful day. So Saturday evening we roomed in with Eddie (Boston was able to be there too he just had to stay on his monitors.) It was so nice to finally be able to hold them as much as we wanted. We didn't get a whole lot of sleep due to the noise in the NICU so that was rough. The next day was bittersweet. It was so nice to take Eddie home but so hard to leave Boston behind. Boston was having heart drops which apparently is totally normal for preemies, their brain is still developing and sometimes forgets to tell them to breath. He always recovered from them on his own but they have to go 5 days without having them. He was having at least 1 a day.  He ended up being in their for almost 3 weeks. I can't tell you how draining it was taking care of a baby at home and then driving back and forth to the hospital to take care of another. It caught up to me one day and had to stay home from going to the hospital to rest. I felt so guilty but I knew I had to take care of myself in order to take care of them. What eventually got Boston to come home (at least Im pretty sure anyway) was a mother of a baby in Bostons room had pertussis. PERTUSSIS! I was furious. They removed the baby and cultured Boston to make sure he didn't get it which he didn't thankfully. Well I let the nurse practitioner know that Boston is safer at home than he is there and told them he should be sent home on a monitor. Sure enough the next day I get a call telling me they're sending him home on a monitor! So that evening James took care of Eddie (he was SO nervous about taking care of him by himself but he did a great job:) while I roomed in with Boston. He had been on a 4 hour schedule, sure enough that evening he decided to go through a growth spurt and change to every 2 hours. Oy I was so tired. The next day felt so surreal knowing I wouldn't be coming back to the NICU. Such a good feeling! To have my family complete and all together. Well James decided as soon as I got home to leave to go help someone with a car. I immediately became extremely overwhelmed and my postpartum set in. The next couple weeks were very difficult. I finally have my babies home and I can't enjoy them like a mother should. I humbled myself and realized I needed help. And soon. So I got an appointment with my doctor and got some medicine. Combined with the help and support from people around me I was able to get back to myself and truly enjoy every minute with my babies. And boy do I LOVE them! They are growing like weeds which is both exciting and sad at the same time. They are the light of my life and can't believe how lucky I am. On top of that I've already lost all my baby weight! Nursing twins does wonders. And I must say I do love being able to eat what I want and not gain weight. I need to be careful though, its going to catch up with me I know it. Oh forgot to mention, Boston was on the monitor for about 4 weeks and man was that thing annoying having to carry it around everywhere. The only time it went off was when the leads would fall off. It was a glorious day when the doctor said he could get off of it!

Well, that was a lot to catch up on! My life has forever been changed and for the better. Of course its much more challenging but the blessings are even greater.

*I started this post several weeks ago and its taken me till now to finally get it together to officially post! Since then the boys are finally smiling, cooing and now drooling. They also can hold their heads up and have very strong legs that kick! They can sleep for 6 hours at night which Mom LOVES even though she only gets about 4-5 hrs of a stretch at a time, still way better than the 2-3 she was getting:)

Here are some of my favorite pictures of them. 

 Boston in the NICU giving him eskimo kisses
 Daddy loving on Boston in the NICU
 Mommy snuggling with Eddie right when he came home
 Eddie at 2 weeks old
 Boston at 2 weeks old
 Look at that pot belly on Boston! Still got it too.
 Eddie & Boston just a couple days old
 You can really tell how tiny they were by how huge the pacifier looks!
 I love this one, my model babies while sun bathing.
Loved waking up to Eddie right next to me when he first got home.
Eddie being adorable
One of my favorite pics of Boston while in the NICU

Friday, August 10, 2012

32 Weeks

I'm so grateful I was able to go to the temple with James one last time before I have these babies. It was a wonderful day and a wonderful experience I will always remember. Everyone was amazed that I made the 2 1/2 hour trek to go to the temple for how far along I am and were ooh'ing and ahh'ing as I walked by. I guess I'm a rarity which made me feel good about myself, so I gave myself a pat on the back.
We had the opportunity to do some family sealing's which were such a tender mercy from Heavenly Father. I am so grateful I get to be sealed to my husband and children for time and all eternity. What a wonderful thing.

Monday, July 23, 2012

3D Babies

Look at how stinking cute they are at just 30 weeks and 5 days! It's amazing how far we've come in technology to be able to get such detailed pictures like these. Thing 1 is 3 lbs 10 oz, and Thing 2 is 3 lbs 7 oz. Right on track size wise and really good that they are close in size as well.

So for the past couple months I thought my due date was switched to September 22nd, I could have sworn the doctor moved it up 4 days from the 26th. At my appointment today he corrected me and confirmed it is still the 26th. So, I have to change my calendar back to Wednesday's for recording how far along I am instead of Saturdays. Not that it makes a difference, I won't make it that far anyways. I just tell people I'm due either late Aug or early Sept. We'll see! 

Friday, July 13, 2012

Beached Whale

These days I am very much feeling like a beached whale. Ive heard the term before used by pregnant woman, I can now say I completely understand what they meant. At my 28 week doctors appointment I measured at 34 weeks. 34 WEEKS! That's a whole 6 weeks ahead! People have said looking at me they expected me to be bigger. Really? I'm 5'4" with a tiny torso and you want me to be bigger?! I'm big enough thank you. I have one more growth ultrasound on the 23rd and the doctor says by then I'll be carrying around 7-7 1/2 pounds of baby so I'll be feeling full term. And I'll STILL have 6-7 weeks to go. Here's to the joy of carrying twins! Don't let me fool you, I am grateful every day for these bundles of joy.
I truly am blessed.

29 weeks

And to leave off I'll share my new favorite quote that will surely become a mantra in my home:

Monday, May 21, 2012

20 Weeks & Good News

 I've been relying on James to take my monthly pictures, so far this month's my favorite. You can really tell I'm pregnant! Oh the month's ahead, I'm gonna be huge. 

Its official, they are both BOYS! I am gonna sure have my hands full, but I'm excited for the journey. At 20 weeks they both were already almost a pound, in other terms they're BIG for twins! I definitely will be delivering early, there's no way I'm carrying around more than 12 pounds of baby. Not gonna happen. 

 Not the best picture, but you can see his button nose, just like his Mommy's!

 This one is just too funny, the tech said she got it by complete accident, wasn't even trying. We laugh at it every time! Can you see what I'm talking about?!

I call this one "The Tebow".

Well for some good news, JAMES GOT A JOB! He got hired on at Mercy Hospital in Joplin as a Financial Counselor. It's not ideally what he was wanting but its a great start, especially while he's in Graduate school. Plus its a job! Which means we can finally move out and into a place of our own!! WAHOO!!!! I've been on cloud nine for a week now knowing our life is back on track. The day he got his job we found a duplex and got it the same day, and are moving in TOMORROW! Can you tell how excited I am? I have been in nesting mode for a while and haven't been able to do anything about it, but now I can and am so anxious to get started. I have so many plans for the babies room. It's gonna be stinking adorable. 

So the moral to this exciting news is: having faith in the Lord's plan will always lead to blessings. I seriously was struggling not knowing what was gonna happen to us, but I kept praying for the Lord's hand to guide us and that James hard work would be rewarded. And what do ya know. He answered. He always does. Maybe not always in the time frame we want, as evidence in my case. But nonetheless, He does.  

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Uplifting Quotes

The other day the website I follow for coupons and deals listed an awesome deal for a free 8x10 canvas print. She gave the idea of printing a quote or saying you might have liked from Pinterest, which I thought was an excellent idea. I've been wanting to have more encouraging and uplifting words in my home. So I took the opportunity and searched some pins for a good quote and found one I HAD to have. Except I wasn't so fond of how it was pictured, so I took it upon myself to make my own:

My plan is to put pictures of my babies around it. So excited. 

I had so much fun making that one that I had to do some more. I perused for some more quotes online and found that all my favorite ones were by Gordon B. Hinkley. No surprise, he was my favorite person, probably still is. 


This quote spoke to me the most and am really happy with how it turned out. It will definitely be getting printed and displayed in my home, whenever I finally get one.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Staying Positive

 Well I’m sitting here in the room were staying in at my in-laws house trying to stay positive. I have left the state that I love, that has all of my best friends and the ward that James and have come to truly love. Idaho really was home for me, it’s where my heart will always stay. On top of having to leave there, I don’t have my own place to live and have to yet once again stay with my in-laws until James gets a job. Its one thing to have to do this, it’s another to have to do it when you’re pregnant and you’re ready to start nesting and make a home for your future babies. On the bright side James had a second interview this week that were feeling pretty confident he will end up getting, they’ve called his references and they don’t typically do that unless they’re considering hiring you.  On the down side, it will probably be a while till were able to move back into our house being we have to evict our renters. Like I said, trying to stay positive. I’m alive and healthy, I at least have a roof over my head and food to eat. I just keep repeating those things over and over again. I don’t know how long though they will keep me sustained. Not long I’m sure.

At least our drive from Idaho to Missouri went well. The weather was beautiful and our U-Haul truck could go 75 mph which is unheard of! So we ended up making better time than we thought. Even better our fairly large Subaru Legacy averaged 35 mpg for the whole trip which we were stoked about. For about 100 miles it was even getting 36. When you have to drive 1300 miles that makes a huge difference. I will say though by the end I was one sore pregnant lady. My feet and back were killing me. I am grateful that I at least wasn’t further along; I can only imagine how miserable that would have been. Oy vey.

As far as babies go, we were able to find out the gender of one of our little munchkins. Thing 2 is definitely a BOY! James is very excited about this. Thing 1 is still to be determined. At one angle it could be a boy, and at another it could be a girl. So we’ll just have to wait patiently another 4 weeks till it bakes and grows a little more. Everyone we know is pulling for a girl, I think they can sympathize with me and don’t want me to be outnumbered, especially with James counting as an obnoxious boy child that I have to take care of as well.

I guess that’s all to report for now. It always feels good to update/vent on this blog of mine. I’m definitely going to be doing a lot more of it being I will have a lot of spare time on my hands being trapped in this room for as long as were staying here.

I’m alive and healthy, I have a roof over my head and food to eat.
I’m alive and healthy, I have a roof over my head and food to eat.
I’m alive and healthy, I have a roof over my head and food to eat.